10 PHRASES FROM MY MOM… that I’ve adopted for relationships

My mom is very wise - I didn't always think so when I was a kid, but I can now look back on all those gold nuggets of information she gave me, and see how they fit into real-life situations... including relationships! Here are a few (ten) of my favorites:

1. Use your inside voice.

Yelling at your partner is a sure-fire way to get nothing accomplished. Yell, and you’ll probably get yelling in return. Speak in a calm manner, and there’s a good chance your demeanor will be reciprocated. Even if it’s not, at least with you staying calm the situation most likely won’t escalate, and you will be the “bigger” person in the end. It’s hard to fight with someone that won’t fight back; keep up the calm, and tempers will stay down.

2. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

Ok, so I’m not a fan of saying nothing, but this is a great reminder that there’s a constructive way to address a problem, and there’s a deconstructive way. For starters, never broach the subject with your partner when you’re angry. When upset, there is a very good chance that you’re going to say something not so nice. Give yourself time to cool off, and you’ll be less likely to say things you don’t mean (or worse, things you cannot take back). Then, make sure to focus on how these actions or words are making you feel; never point fingers and place blame on others. For example, if you feel as though you are not getting enough one-on-one time with your partner, explain that you really enjoy spending time with him, and open up a dialogue about how you could schedule time in the near future. The wrong way? Be sure to not say that you’re being ignored, and cut down the activities he is doing instead of spending the time with you.

3. Treat others as you would want to be treated.

This one is a given, not many would disagree with this statement. However, that being said, I am time and time again amazed at how women and men treat each other so poorly, and then become so furious when treated the same. Take note of how you’re treating others – especially when it makes them angry in return – and consider a different approach. Better yet, take note of when others make you angry, and think back to if you’re ever guilty of treating others in a similar manner. We all have our hot buttons, and we all push other’s buttons, but being aware is the first step; the next step is to take action.

4. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Probably more of an issue for women (you know who you are), but it does apply to both sexes. “Is anything wrong?”…… “No, I’m fine.”…… “Fine? That doesn’t sound good.”…… “I said I’m fine.” Why doesn’t he believe you? Because your tone and body language do not match your words! Why do we have to make conversations so confusing? If something is bothering you, go ahead and say so (keeping in mind #2 above); and on the flip side, if something is great, say that also. The more honest you are with your partner, and the more you make it known that you will voice your feelings when they arise, the less questioning there will be of your statements. And don’t forget to voice both the good and the bad!

5. Try it, just once, and I won’t make you try it again if you don’t like it.

Okay, so this can be given dirty references, but overall I like this quote because variety is the spice of life, and variety cannot be had if new experiences are not tried. From food to activities to people, try something new once in a while! On your own, or with your partner! Go try out the new Indian restaurant that everyone has been raving about, or schedule a skydiving lesson. Pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone can be great, as long as you are staying safe and not doing anything that goes against your moral code. Don’t be afraid of new things!

6. You can’t judge a book by its cover.           

Holy moly is this true, I wish I had taken this more to heart when I was a youngster. I have learned through the years that first impressions, as powerful as they are, do not a person make. I have met so many people over the years that have surprised me by being not as they appear. Malcom Gladwell, in one of my favorite books: Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, said that “The answer is that we are not helpless in the face of our first impressions. They may bubble up from the unconscious – from behind a locked door inside of our brain – but just because something is outside of awareness doesn't mean it's outside of control.” What a wise man! Fight off those first impressions, and make it a priority to get to know someone before deciding on who they are and what they’re all about.

7. Saying nothing can be just as bad as lying.

There is a lot of truth to this statement. Just because you’re not lowered to having to lie about something, this does not mean you’re being honest. And just because your partner might not suspect this dishonesty, this does not mean that you’re in the clear. Relationships are built on honesty, and dishonesty is wrecking ball of relationships. Be honest and upfront about your slip-ups, and it’s ok to expect the same from your partner. Better yet, avoid the slip-ups altogether!

8. Talk the talk and walk the walk.

Practice what you preach. Actions speak louder than words. Talk is cheap. Whichever version of this quote you have heard, they all boil down to the same idea: anyone can talk about doing something, but those that are doing instead of just talking will get further in life. Those that talk and do not “do,” are seen as boasters, procrastinators, and even insincere. A person who can talk the talk AND walk the walk are very appealing, and can come across as fun and genuine.

9. You can’t change anyone but yourself.

This is a valuable lesson that I still am learning. While you may find your partner, coworker, boss, family member, [insert person here] so frustrating, the reality is you will not be changing that person. All you can do is change your approach to that person, and see if you can change a bad situation into a good (or at least tolerable) one. If you don’t like how someone is talking to you or treating you, you will do well to remember that you won’t be changing this. What you can change is your reaction. Keep your cool, and always keep in mind that there may be things going on with that other person that you don’t know about.

10. Always wear clean underwear, just in case you are in an accident.

I had to throw this one in there; after all, I do think it is important to have good hygiene! No one wants an unclean partner. On a more serious note, though, I take this phrase a bit further because so many adults have given up on “dressing up.” Dressing up isn’t only reserved for dinner dates and weddings – I see making yourself look your best for work, friends, family, or even just a day of shopping as equally important. Looking good does a lot for feeling good, and feeling good does a lot for one’s relationship. When you look good and feel good about yourself, you become more of a desirable person. So take a shower, put on some clean undies, and make yourself beautiful/handsome for whatever the day may bring! 

By Angela Jolee for Invitation Only Matchmaking

Four Quick Ways to Boost Your Dating Confidence

Most people feel nervous at the thought of going on a date, but the trick is to make sure that these feelings of anxiety don’t undermine your ability to have fun or make a meaningful connection. If you’ve met someone interesting using our service or on your own, keep the following four things in mind to ensure that you approach your date with a positive attitude.

 1) Try talking and behaving like a confident person; this tactic can slowly start to cause genuine changes in your self-esteem. For example, remember to smile at the other person, maintain eye contact when engaging in conversation, be polite, and deliberately slow your speech if you have a tendency to talk too quickly when you’re nervous. And don't forget to concentrate on what the other person is saying, and respond accordingly - this shows that you're engaged in the conversation.

 2) Before your date, try to think about some topics you’d like to discuss and some questions you’d like to ask. Armed with these prompts, you should be less worried about the possibility of awkward silences. Remember to keep it positive - stay with the happy topics, such as the good relationships in your life, interests that he or she might have (and what you have in common), and goals for the future. Fortunately, when you date with Invitation Only Matchmaking, you already have an idea of his or her interests prior to the date. Take good notes so that you can remember what you want to talk about!

 3) Dress to draw attention to the features that you like best. If you are a man with an athletic body, something that displays your muscular arms may make you feel more confident. Meanwhile, if you are a woman with slender, toned legs, a pair of smart shoes and one of your favorite skirts will help you to feel more attractive. And vice versa, do not draw attention to the areas you're still working to improve upon; if you have  bit of a belly, don't tuck that shirt in, or if you're still toning up your arms stick to a 3/4-length or long-sleeved shirt. 

 4) Finally, remember that a date is just a chance to get to know someone who might be attractive and interesting. If you don’t click with each other, it is not the end of the world; and using our matchmaking service will offer you many more chances to find love. Keeping each date in perspective will help you to be calm, confident and genuine. You are really only on this date to see if you enjoy this person's company, and to see if you would like a second date. The rest can come later! 

By Jamie Leigh for Invitation Only Matchmaking

Bad Dates = Funny Stories

Throughout my single years, I did a lot of dating. Online dating, to be exact, because I didn’t have friends who knew great single guys for me, and I did not want to date anyone from work (big, big no-no). Most of the dates were quite unsuccessful (to put it mildly), and I can count on one hand those that made it to a second date. Actually, I can count on two fingers those who made it to a second date, because there were only two of them. In the matchmaking business, I also hear a lot of stories from friends, clients, even strangers – all with similar stories of dates they have been on that were unsuccessful… and even sometimes painful.

I’ve put together a nice list below of the types of men I met through online dating. I realize I am putting it in a comically-amusing format (which is my style), but it’s really meant to be a reminder to men as to what women are not attracted to (and vice versa). While these might be extreme situations, a lot of us (men and women) have been guilty of one of these, or had a date who exhibited these behaviors.

The love-sick date. Have you ever had a man pronounce his love for you on the first date? It is extremely uncomfortable, and honestly… it is not believable. Most people do not believe in love at first sight, and for those who do believe in it and fall in love on the first date, it is very awkward for the other party if the feeling isn’t mutual. I do, however, believe in lust at first sight, and it is not to be mistaken with love! I went on a first date one time where the man kept showering me with compliments, pronounced that he could already tell he was falling in love with me, serenaded me with a lovely freestyle rap he thought of just for me, and wanted to hold my hand and suggested we “make out.” Too much. For quality women, physical affection is not ok on the first date – play it safe, guys: keep your hands to yourself throughout the date, and give a goodbye hug at the end of the night.

The it’s-all-about-me date. Yes, some people are very impressive. Very, very impressive. I’ll tell you what, though, it is more attractive to learn your awesomeness a little at a time, especially seeing it instead of hearing about it. If you talk the entire date about yourself, interrupt me when I try to talk, and then ask me questions that you clearly don’t want to know the answers to, then you should probably just go on a date with a big mirror. Even if you are all that and a bag of chips, tone it down on the date and let her get a word in edgewise. Practice pauses, ask questions, genuinely listen to her answers, and comment accordingly.

The non-talker date. This is the opposite of “the it’s-all-about-me date.” It’s like pulling chicken teeth… getting the non-talker to talk, that is. A date should have conversation – it’s not a presentation by me. This is especially hard for me, being the extrovert that I am… I fill in silence with anything I can, and I end up just rambling, rambling, rambling. If you aren’t comfortable talking on a date, you need to practice! Look up good first date questions, ask them in front of a mirror, and you might even know someone who could set you up on a practice date. Force yourself to ask questions, listen to the answers, and then reply with more than one sentence. Also, never decline to answer a question on a first date – you will appear to be secretive, snobby, or just plain uncooperative. If it’s a hot button topic, or if you are uncomfortable for whatever reason, I urge you to give a short, positive, and possibly vague answer, and then move on to the next topic (possibly asking a different question after your reply).

The imposter date. The picture he posted online was a handsome, fit, very polished man… so who is this I’m now sitting in front of?? I hear all the time from singles stories about this: “He posted pictures from 20 years ago,” or “She put up photographs when she was 200 pounds lighter.” We need to portray ourselves as we are, folks. If you say you are one way and you are not that way, your date will soon find out, and will not be happy. No one wants to be duped. If you don’t present yourself in an honest way, it sets the tone to dishonesty at minute 1 of your relationship, and you can expect it to not progress any further.

The financially-challenged date. I’ll never forget the first date I went on where a man asked me to go to the drag races with him. I thought – hmm, I have never been to the drag races, it might be fun. Pulling up to the entry gate, the man at the booth said “that’ll be 10 bucks each.” My date looks at me, and says “you got 10 bucks for your ticket??” Astonished, I reached into my purse and pulled out $10… and vowed to never go out with him again. It was not that I couldn’t afford the $10 – but I’m old-fashioned! I have no problem paying down the road, or paying if the date was my idea, but don’t ask me out and then ask me to cough up an entry fee! I was not looking to have my partner pay my way the entire time we are together (and most women aren't), I was just looking to have a first date with a chivalrous man who had some manners. If you ask a woman out and expect her to pay her way (unless it is agreed upon ahead of time), do not expect her to go out with you again. And if you cannot afford to take a woman out, perhaps you should wait to date until you can. Financial stability is attractive.

The completely-inappropriate date. This category is for the variety of awkward dates that do not fit in to a category listed above. Have you ever showed up to meet your date and he’s drunk? I have! I don’t care how nervous you are, people, DO NOT drink before a date! Your chances are very slim with this being ok with your date (and trust me, one drink can make you smell like alcohol). Have you ever showed up to meet your date only to find out that he does not have a car (because of DUI issues, he just does not own one, or both)? And he was hoping you would give him a ride home after the date? I have! Again, slim changes of this being ok with your date. How about the date who was given way too much change after paying for dinner, and then acted like he won the lottery? Been there, too! From poor hygiene to bad manners, there are a variety of behaviors that can be a major turn off for your date.

You have one chance to get this right, so give it your best effort!

By Angela Jolee for Invitation Only Matchmaking
(Stay tuned for Ken Brian's take on dating from the guy's perspective!)